Introduction

Ah, the age-old question that seems to pop up at every church meeting, camping trip, dinner table, friend’s wedding, and even casual conversation with well-meaning strangers: “Why aren’t you married yet?” I’ve heard this question more times than I can count. I’m asked about five times a week, and 5x52=260, but I’ve chosen the number 472 because it feels much more appropriate. So, I thought it was high time to address this burning question once and for all. Now, when I’m asked, I’ll have to respond, “you can read my blog for an answer to that question!” However, since it’s often the same people who ask me each week, I may have to bookmark this response on their desktop for them.

1. God’s Timing, Not Mine

First and foremost, I believe in God’s perfect timing. Our society often pressures us to follow a prescribed timeline for major life events: graduate college, start a career, get married, buy a house, have kids, and so on. But as a Christian, I’m more concerned with aligning my life with God’s plan than conforming to the world’s expectations. Am I ready for marriage? Sure. But He hasn’t seen fit to present me with that good and perfect gift from above, so I have to accept that my season is not here.

The Bible reminds us in Ecclesiastes 3:1, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” Just as there are seasons in nature—spring, summer, fall, and winter—there are also seasons in our lives. Some are for growth, some for learning, some for serving, and some for waiting.

2. Personal Growth and Development

Being single has allowed me to focus on my personal growth, both spiritually and emotionally. I’ve had the opportunity to deepen my relationship with God, pursue my passions, and work on becoming more Christlike, which will prepare a man for husbandry. This time of singleness is not a waiting room, but a workshop where God is molding me. Furthermore, I have had to mortify (and continue to do so) sexual sins that have plagued my youth; it’s possible that the Lord, in His kindness, could be protecting my wife from the old man who dwells within me. If I were to be married at 21, I could almost guarantee that some form of adultery could have done damage to my wife and to my God. I should be grateful for His protection in this capacity.

3. Contentment in Every Season

The Apostle Paul wrote in Philippians 4:11-12, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” This includes our relationship status. He also wrote, “I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do” (1 Corinthians 7:7-8). Paul here affirms the value of singleness as a gift from God, reminding us that both marriage and singleness can be used for God’s glory. Paul himself was single when he wrote this (though I believe that his inclusion in the San Hedrin would indicate that he was likely married earlier in life; perhaps he was widowed, abandoned post-conversion, or something else).

While Paul acknowledges that marriage is a good and natural desire for many (v. 2, 9), he emphasizes that singleness provides unique opportunities to serve God without distraction (v. 32-35). As a single person, I aim to embrace this season, finding joy and purpose in devotion to Christ. Though I desire and pray about marriage, I trust in God’s wisdom for my life, whether single or married. I’d have to conclude that His will is exactly this—not to be married, but to be content with my unity to the Great Bridegroom, Jesus Himself.

4. High Standards (And That’s Okay!)

I believe in the sanctity of marriage and the importance of finding a partner who shares my faith and values. As a Christian, I’m looking for someone who doesn’t just profess Christ, but actively seeks to follow Him in every area of life. I want a relationship founded on a mutual love for God and a commitment to growing together in Him. I recognize that in some cultures, arranged marriages are the norm, and God has blessed many such unions. However, that’s not the kind of culture I was born into—and you probably weren’t either.

Some well-meaning friends have suggested I should just “find a godly woman and marry her.” But I believe there’s more to a healthy, God-honoring marriage than just shared faith. I’m looking for someone with whom I share a deep friendship, strong chemistry, and a sense of partnership in serving God. I want to find someone whose character, values, and life goals align with mine. Someone who challenges me to grow, encourages me in my faith, and shares my heart for ministry. I’m also looking for someone I’m attracted to physically and emotionally, with whom I can share the profound intimacy and joy of a sexual relationship within the covenant of marriage. I want a wife who will be a nurturing and Christ-centered mother to our children. I want a woman who is hospitable and ready to host brothers and sisters for food and fellowship on a regular basis. When Paul warns to “not be unequally yoked with unbelievers,” I think he would also be willing to say, “do not be unequally yoked with believers,” as well.

We’re not talking about hiring someone like in a business, where you can fire them when things don’t work out; there has to be serious compatibility, and once you say, “I do,” there are no do-overs. I know these standards are high, and there’s more I’ve left out (see Proverbs 31) but I believe they matter for building a strong, God-glorifying marriage.

5. Busy Serving God’s Kingdom

One of the beautiful things about this season of singleness is the freedom it provides to wholeheartedly serve God and invest in His kingdom. Without the responsibilities of marriage and family, I’m able to devote more time, energy, and resources to ministry and helping others. I’m able to pour my time and energy into ministering to the needs of others or by getting my hands dirty volunteering in ways that I might not be able to if I was called to minister to my wife and children. Additionally, I’ve been able to pursue education and career opportunities that equip me to better serve God and others. I’m grateful for the chance to develop skills and gain experiences that will benefit my future spouse, family, and community.

While I believe marriage and family are also powerful avenues for serving God, I’ve come to appreciate the unique opportunities singleness affords. I want to steward this season well, using my gifts and resources to make a difference for Christ and invest in things that will matter for eternity. Of course, this doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with loneliness, desire for companionship, or occasional feelings of missing out. But when those feelings arise, I try to redirect my focus to God’s goodness and the opportunities He’s given me in this present season. I lean into my relationship with Him, trusting that He will provide for all my needs in His perfect way and timing.

A Note on Pursuit vs. Patience

I hesitate to publish this, as it’s the kind of personal stuff you don’t really want on the internet… but in comparison to other facets of my past, this seems to be quite censored. I am often criticized for not being aggressive enough in the pursuit of a wife. So, allow me to at least explain why that might be. At 18, I got a tattoo of a falcon on my arm to symbolize my perceived gift of being able to spot a target and go after it relentlessly. But what was I really pursuing at that age? Good grades? Career success? Financial gain? It was women. In my younger years, I approached dating with an intense, almost predatory mindset. I was like a lion hunting gazelles, always on the prowl for my next conquest. My falcon tattoo was largely rooted in my then-present soaring through the skies, looking for my next meal. And by the way, I do believe I was converted that year or the year before—but I didn’t have any godly mentors to guide me. That’s for another story, though.

As I’ve grown in my faith and maturity, I’ve obviously learned that healthy relationships aren’t about conquest or acquisition, but about mutual love, respect, and sacrifice. Granted, there was nothing healthy at all about those relationships even through my early twenties. I didn’t understand the concept of godly dating until my late twenties: to pursue a fit for marriage. And, truthfully, the Bible doesn’t know of any concept called “dating.” And yes, I have more to say on that, but this too is another story. I shall try to stay on course. What’s the proper balance between pursuit and patience? I am not sure; I do have certain particulars I could elaborate on, but these are matters of conscience, not matters of that which is sinful versus godly.

These days, I take a much more laid-back approach to dating. I’m not passively waiting for a wife to fall into my lap, but I’m also not aggressively hunting down prospects. Instead, I’m focusing on becoming the man God wants me to be, trusting that as I pursue Him first, He will lead me to the right woman at the right time. I’ve realized that my role is to be faithfully obedient to God’s leading in my life, not to try to force or manipulate circumstances to get what I want. It’s a balance of active trust and patient waiting, of being open to opportunities while not trying to control outcomes. It’s not always easy, especially for someone like me who is naturally inclined towards action and pursuit. But I’m learning that God’s way is better than my own, and that His timing and provision are always perfect. As Psalm 37:4 promises, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

A Note on Dating Apps

In today’s digital age, dating apps have become an increasingly popular way to meet potential partners. And while I don’t judge those who choose to use them, I’ve personally decided that dating apps are not the right fit for me. Trust me—I’ve tried. I was around when Tinder first hit the scene. I’ve been on every dating app out there (of course, my use and intent became more sanctified over the years). But a few years ago, I tried a final 30-day experiment to prove to some friends that the time invested in dating apps is simply unwise when compared to the time that could be invested in growing in grace.

For one, I place a high value on authenticity and genuine connection. I find it difficult to truly get to know someone through a screen, where it’s easy to curate an image or hide aspects of one’s life. I prefer to get to know someone in the context of real-life interactions and shared experiences. I simply have no interest in carrying out a conversation with some woman with four pictures on a dating app, no matter how beautiful she looks in those four pictures.

Secondly, as a Christian, I believe the church should play a significant role in my relationship journey. I would much rather pursue a woman who is known and respected by my church community, someone whose character and faith are evident to those I trust most. If I was pursuing someone, mandatory requisites would include biblical counseling, ongoing accountability (with guardrails to avoid making mistakes), and approval from the godly men and women whom I confide in. I wouldn’t suggest that everyone needs to date this way, but I just cannot imagine myself doing it any other way.

Thirdly, as alluded to, you can waste tons of hours swiping. Imagine if those hours were redirected towards learning what it means to be a godly husband. I really think that one would be better off scrolling through Instagram profiles than swiping left and right, because, at least social media provides a casual place to connect and offers a glimpse into someone’s life (not in the same way of knowing someone locally in-person, but still to a greater degree than a dating app, in my opinion).

Of course, this is my personal conviction, and I recognize that God can work through various means, including dating apps, to bring people together. But for me, I feel most at peace and most aligned with God’s leading when I pursue relationships in the context of organic, real-life, Christ-centered community. And if I am too lax in my approach, then it is I who will suffer those consequences, right? If you feel that you/your son/your friend should be aggressively pursuing a wife, then so be it. But I have seen terrible damage to a man’s reputation even with well-meaning intent.

A Note on Singles Groups

In many churches, singles groups are offered for unmarried individuals to connect, fellowship, and support one another–perhaps developing a friendship that further develops into a union. While I appreciate the intention behind these groups and believe they can serve a valuable purpose in providing that platform for connection that wouldn’t otherwise exist, I’ve never been personally attracted to these kinds of meet-ups, even in my less-sanctified years with less-than-ideal motives. To me, it has always been a weird kind of environment.

On one hand, it’s refreshing to be in a community of people who understand the unique joys and challenges of being single in the church. It’s a space where you can be honest about your experiences and find encouragement from others who are navigating similar waters. However, I’ve also found that singles groups can sometimes inadvertently reinforce the very pressures and expectations they seek to alleviate. When the sole commonality is marital status, it’s easy for the focus to drift towards the pursuit of coupling rather than the pursuit of Christ.

Additionally, contentment is often lacking in the individuals who are a part of these groups. I am not saying this is the case 100% of the time, but I would suggest that it’s quite commonplace. There is a smell of desperation in the air at some of these events. I don’t mean to dissuade you from attending, or suggest that you are one of these people, but I am simply articulating what I’ve found to be my experience.

Moreover, I believe it’s crucial for singles to be fully integrated into the broader life of the church, not siloed into separate ministries. We need the wisdom, perspective, and mentorship of married couples and families, just as they can benefit from the unique gifts and insights of singles.

That said, I’m not against singles groups altogether. I think they can be a helpful resource when approached with the right mindset and expectations. I’m glad that they exist, because many have found godly spouses through these events. But for me personally, I’ve found that focusing on building authentic relationships within the wider church community has been more fruitful for my spiritual growth and relational well-being.

A Note to Well-Meaning Christians

As I have already hinted at, too often, we inadvertently make single people feel inadequate or less-than by constantly asking about their marital status or hinting that they need to “settle down.” Luckily, I have pretty thick skin. But, even I can be wore down after engaging the question a couple thousand times over the years. While marriage is indeed a sanctifying and beautiful institution, so is singleness. The Apostle Paul even extols the benefits of being single in 1 Corinthians 7. We must be careful not to elevate marriage to the point where we devalue or dismiss the spiritual riches of singleness.

I would hate for my future children, or any young person in the church, to grow up feeling like they’re not enough if they’re still single in their mid-twenties or beyond. So, let’s celebrate and support one another in whatever season of life we’re in, trusting that God’s plan is perfect in both singleness and marriage. Ultimately, an earthly marriage points to a heavenly one. May we desire to be united to Christ over and above any matrimony on this side of eternity.

Conclusion

In closing, to the people who ask me each week why I’m not married yet: Thank you for your concern, but please know that I’m not “missing out” or “falling behind.” Do pray for me, and know that it is a burden of desire which I carry, but pray most of all for perfect peace and contentment in any season. I’m exactly where God wants me to be right now. My worth, and your worth, is not determined by my marital status but by my identity in Christ. Maybe next year, I’ll only have to answer this question 471 times! And who knows? Maybe by then, I’ll be answering a much more exciting question...like, “Do you take this woman to be your bride?”